a fine line

abuse cases are difficult for me.

first, because the scenarios are often horrible.

second, because i struggle with how to respond when talking with colleagues

"around the water cooler."

for instance, we recently had a case where the alleged acts of parental abuse were egregious.

{truly truly  horrifying}

all night and into the days to come, 

people were incredulous about how this parent "could do such terrible things to a child?!? "

i heard lots of "i would never..." 

and variations on how even the death penalty would be too lenient in this situation. 

we had lots of judgment to throw around.

{and i get those sentiments}
i, like my colleagues, felt sick to my stomach.
to imagine what this child had endured in its short life.
indelible marks.
an inescapable narrative.

but i also found myself countering with:

it is not our job to judge; we don't know all the facts

reminders that parents are often driven to a place beyond the reach of their right mind

and sometimes it doesn't seem to take much of a push

{and sometimes, i think} 

it is but for grace that any of us parents are able to 

stay within the the bounds of a right mind

i do not excuse the abuse.

i do not condone the actions of one who abuses.

but i am sympathetic to the moments a parent faces 

when it takes all the protective resources one has in their life

{and then some}

  to rail against the wall of risks, depravity, and insecurity

and to

rise above the demons of our personal narrative

some days you need a little pretty in your life

{the end}

a biter

last month, i wrote this post:

there is a biter at our youngest's school.

actually, there are three biters.

our kiddo comes home with marks almost every day he is there.

and today he came home with a report that he bit someone else...and broke skin.

as a parent of a child bitten, i feel indignation and frustration that the other parents and the school are not able to get a handle on this.  as a parent of a biter, i feel shame because he is biting someone else. as a therapist, familiar with child development, i know this behavior is within normative boundaries and it will pass.  

it is really hard to balance the rational and emotional when it comes to issues like biting.  

so i sign the incident reports. 

check in and support the teachers' efforts. 

reinforce the "no biting" message with my kiddo. 

and i wait.

 today, we celebrate 4 weeks of biting sobriety...

the great cursing experiment

"I know the b-word" he called out from the back seat.

{Oh yes, what is that?}

"Bitch," he says.

{Do you know what that means; can you use it in a sentence?}

"Well, I don't really know what it means but you might say to someone What a bitch! or Don't be such a bitch!"

{Hm, do you ever use the b-word?}

"No, because I don't really know what it means and it is not a good idea to use words if you don't know what they mean.  And besides, I think that one is a hard one to use without making someone feel bad."

{Sounds like a good way to discern the use of a swear word, bubby}

------

Back before we had kids, my husband and I peppered our language with curse words.

I, moreso than he, as most will attest.

Back before we had kids, we decided we still wanted to pepper our language with curse words - 

even after the kids were born.  And maybe even in their presence.

And so we have.  

It has been the great cursing experiment.

Our logic is this:  

We do it. The movies and shows do it. Other kids and adults do it. Our friends do it.

Our kids will do it.

And we would like to be able to influence how and when they do it.

There are rules {of course}:

1. Assess your audience
2. Use it in context

3. If you get in trouble, you face the consequences

4. Don't curse at people {don't use your words to make another person feel bad}

It took our eldest 6 years to really use any curse words.

And now, he uses them intermittently 

{and primarily while playing video games} 

with a 

"Mom, these enchiladas are fuckin' awesome!" to keep it real.

giving props

in discussing plans for the upcoming holidays, i realized i am thankful to have choices.

we have invitations to be with family or friends and those invitations are wide open - no expectations.

but beyond feeling good about having choices, 

i feel deeply grateful to my parents and my in-laws because:

while they love to see us and spend time together {holidays or not}, neither party holds too tightly to us having to be one place or another for holidays.  

the traditions we have are bound to people, rather than a particular place at a particular time.

i am sure they have preferences.

but we don't feel the pressure.

furthermore, they seem to recognize our family unit's tendency to develop family-like friends and 

are encouraging about our choosing to use our sparse resources to make those regular connections.

i am thankful.

and

in this important regard, 

i feel known.