death sucks

My conclusion after working last week was this:

Death sucks.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool.

Death does not make sense.

Except sometimes.

But mostly not.

And, no matter what we tell ourselves,  God does not make it "all better."

We do take comfort in putting God in the middle of death.

We believe in a narrative that God has a plan.

We believe that God will provide us patience and courage.

We believe that God will be with us in our mourning and our grief.

And sometimes it feels like all those things are true.

And sometimes it feels like our belief is myth.

but
Belief is important.

Faith in the power and presence of a god gets us through.

However, at the end of the day -

death {still} sucks

because we {still} have a hole where someone used to be.

a story about the christmas where we almost got divorced

Over the holidays I twice referred to "the Christmas where we almost got divorced."

Once at a gathering with college friends.

And once with my little sister

One reference was met with silence.

And the other with an outright request not to admit there was ever such a year.

But there was.

{It was, ostensibly, over a blue terrycloth robe and a tin of Piroulines}

That year we encountered a lot of transition.

That year was very difficult and we did not cope well.

so

That year almost ended our marriage.

I remember a friend talking, with disdain, that year about friends who really have only negative things to report. It made me self conscious because my life felt like it was only full of negativity and I worried she was talking about me. 
I became very careful with how truthful I was with friends. 

I had a couple of friends who were okay sitting with me on the "life is hard" bench but for the most part, folks wanted to hear that we were doing well and adjusting well to the transition.
It was difficult to share how hard it was. It was difficult to see beyond the moment.  It was lonely. 

It was isolating .

This year I realized we have come a long ways.

We looked despair in the face and figured a way through its depths.

And we can laugh about "that Christmas..."

But I also realize how important it is to be open to listening to and being there for friends (and others) in the midst of despair and uncertainty.  Life is full of shit and sunshine; it is important to be present and encouraging to each other - even when it seems like there is only negativity to report.

today is a day for rest

last week i spent some days away with our eldest kiddo.

he is eight and full of energy...always moving.

we had just been up until the wee hours of the morning traveling to our destination and had some full days ahead of us.

he was intent on swimming the afternoon away but i told him:

today is a day for rest.

he asked why 

and

he told me his rationale for why rest wasn't necessary 

{so typical}

then after tackling the pool for a while, he proceeded to pull a chaise next to mine

lie down

cover himself with towels

 and 

{unmoving},

he slept.

sometimes, 

in midst of the going and the doing,

we still need a day for rest.

for going slower than usual

for taking time to be still

for taking time to just be. 

when was the last time you had one of these days?

 if it has been a while, i challenge you to put one {or 1/2 of one} on your agenda before the end of the month.

on my way to work

Each time I head to work, I pass by this banner planted on a church lawn:

Do justice.

Love kindness.

Walk humbly with God.

                                                            - Micah 6:8

And, I read it and reflect on it. 

Every time.

This week I realized how I have come to rely upon that banner;

it centers me somehow and helps me transition into work.

work.

A place where I need to see each person and situation with "just" eyes and respond accordingly.

A place where I am asked to offer kindness to people in situations that test the limits of kindness.

A place where I need to humble myself {my thoughts, my attitude, my pride, my agenda} -  to be fully present.

With others.

In the moment.

I pass by this banner on the way home too.

But it does not catch my eye.

I have no idea if it says the same thing on the other side.

And it doesn't matter. 

The words still ring in my ears long after my shift is over.

And even now as I am preparing for bed, it sits gently in my mind.

suits and sweatpants

ever noticed how people travel in attire that falls into one of these two categories?

this struck me a few days ago as i sat waiting to board my flight.

the contrast was striking enough to me that i even counted how many of each.

it got me thinking about the display i saw last summer at the air and space museum in D.C.

about how plane travel was an exceptional event and people used to get fancy to fly.

&

it got me thinking about how far we have come since the advent of passenger flight.

about how one's attire is a choice.

one part of me wants to think that:

what people choose to wear when they fly has no bearing on who they are.

but

another part of me wants to think that:

what people choose to wear when they fly definitely says something about who they are.

what do you think?

and more importantly, 

what are you?

suit

or

sweatpants

?

{*suits can also be any sort of "dressy" clothes and sweats are specific to attire such as sweat or yoga pants - really, anything that one might wear to bed}