no, for real, what women want...

This is a revision of a former post but in that the themes continue to emerge amongst my lady friends, I figure it bears {revision and} repeating!

For consideration on:

 Birthdays, Anniversaries, Mother's Day, and the Every Day...

 

{affirmation}  Every woman likes to hear she is wonderful.  

Not just the statement of fact, but why you think she is so great. 

These are the details that help us get through those dark moments in our heads,
where we are certain of failure across some or all aspects of life.  

Be generous with your affirmations and be specific.
You don't have to blow your wad all at once;
consider leaving/offering single affirmations throughout the day {or week or month or year...}

{gratitude}  Every woman likes to hear she is appreciated.

Not just the statement of fact, but why you appreciate her.  

These are the details that help us continue to give and give and give and give,
beyond the point of exhaustion and resentment. {yes, resentment}
Be generous with your gratitude and be specific. 
Like affirmation, you don't have to worry about going over the top with gratitude;
{unless you are being disingenuine or unintentional with it}
consider extending gratitude throughout the day.

{time}  Every woman likes to have a little time to herself.

Time that is unfettered by the "need to's" and "should do's" of life.  

Time to sit and do nothing but whatever we want to do.
We don't want to have to ask for it.
We don't want to have to justify it.
We don't want to have to account for what we will do with it and
we don't want to feel bad about taking it.
Find a solid chunk of time you can freely and graciously offer the woman in your life.

{service}  Every woman likes to have things done with her in mind.

we do a lot in a day. some of it is obvious and noticeable.
some of it is done so tacitly, it doesn't even strike you as an item on the to-do list.
we always have more items on our list than hours to accomplish them.

consider what is on the plate of the woman in your life and see about picking up laundry, cleaning bathrooms, washing floors, planting a garden, pulling weeds, dusting, or organizing the kids' outgrown clothes, managing the family calendar or finances, or keeping a vase filled with flowers.  

{this list is not all inclusive}

  Service need not be relegated to one day, of course.

{things}  every woman likes to receive gifts.  gifts of value...or not.  

The key to giving a gift is to offer something that demonstrates you know her.  

Offer a gift that communicates your knowledge of:
 who she is, what she believes in or values, how she likes to spend her time, things that drive her bonkers, and ways she feels loved. 
Consider a "frivolous" magazine, a gift card to a favorite place, a new item for the kitchen or home, a book or album, a pedicure or massage, an article of clothing, or some bling. 
If you don't feel like this is your area of strength, ask for help from a confidant in her life.

Be creative, but whatever you do - don't gift something out of projection {with your likes in mind} -

go with empathy {what she wants/needs}.
And don't ever hesitate to combine "things" with "time"

 

 If you are able to "gift" with these five themes in mind,
the woman in your life will feel

loved and appreciated and encouraged.

 

upon considering race

Two weeks ago, I assigned a couple of readings to my class:

One, an academic journal article on developing mentalizing communities (Twemlow et al, 2005).
It is an article I personally had a tough time getting through...until I started reading it from the end.

The second, a post from Ta-Nehisi Coates, from smack dab in the middle of his online "debate" with Jonathan Chait about black culture, social policy, race, poverty, politics, and white supremacy.

Both perfect fits for a course on mental health policy.

For months we have identified, dissected, and critiqued mental health policy & implementation.  

We have explored the disparity between ideas and reality. 

We have discussed the intersections between mental health and...

violence

poverty 

the child welfare system

juvenile justice

schools

neighborhoods and families
{to name a few}

Our discussions have been robust, despairing, frustrating, uncomfortable, and exciting.
 

Last week {per the usual} I asked for reactions to the readings.  Per the usual, a handful of students had not done the readings.

Others verbalized an emotional reaction that prevented them from reading on.  

We talked for a while and then prepared to end our class session.

 

 I considered letting the discussion drop there {it would have been easy, after all} but I decided to take additional readings off the table for the next week and requested that students take the time to read or re-read the 2 articles and come back for discussion with a response to the question: 

"Why these readings?"

------
This morning we picked up where we left off.

While Twemlow, et al (2005) present skill-based strategies for addressing the complex needs of social systems and families with multiple problems.
Their take-away premise {and why it made better sense to start from the end} is:

Human variety is an essential part of what makes individuals and cultures different and interesting. The issue, from a social system perspective, is a balance of power. (p. 279)

The authors highlight the importance of creating safe space(s) for systems and families to come together and openly discuss our unconscious (implicit) interpretations of the actions of others AND engage in conscious, deliberate (explicit) consideration of each others' actions.
What is somewhat infuriating about this article, despite how spot on it is about the issues and needs at play when considering social policy development/implementation, is one my students were eager to point out: the authors still step around one of the most organizing and influential motivators of policy.  

Race. Racism. Prejudice. 

We, as a discipline centered around social justice and advocacy, acknowledge the factual impact(s) of race* but we struggle to maintain discourse on the meta-narrative of race:  

What are the implicit and explicit beliefs about race that permit disparities to prevail?

*I believe this criticism holds true for other topics as well (gender, sexuality, age, poverty, and privilege) but for the sake of this post, have chosen to focus on race

Over the last couple of weeks, Coates and Chait have engaged in an online discussion that extends well beyond my knowledge base.  Their responses to one another have kept me up at night, forced me to learn more about some of our nation's history and politics, caused me to jump and yell around my living room, made me cry, and have deep discussions about my own beliefs and biases.
It is messy and I love it.

I assigned the Coates piece because I believe it represents one of the more honest conversations I have seen about the intersections of race, social policy, and culture.  The back and forth between Coates and Chait also represents the chasm I believe gets replicated across the country when we, good-meaning folk, try to develop and implement policies/interventions to address the nation's complex social issues.  I believe their dialogue represents a fairly clear picture of the disconnect and denial we maintain amidst our efforts.

Their dialogue demonstrates the discomfiting task of putting explicit language and feeling to the implicit currency of power and privilege {historical and current} which are embedded in the conversation of race.

There is no easy solution to any of this and I stated as such to my students.
But I feel convicted.
To stay engaged and curious.
To challenge status quo.
To push past my fear of not knowing or saying the wrong thing.
To exercise my power and privilege for good rather than evil.
To consider my role in a nation reluctant to acknowledge our steadfast commitment to white supremacy.
To try and create safe space for open and intentional conversation.

Baby steps, y'all.
Baby steps.








Twemlow, S., Fonagy, P., Sacco, F. (2005). A developmental approach to mentalizing communities 1: A model for social change. Bulletin of the Meininger Clinic, 69(4); 265 - 281.

everything i know about relationships, i learned from improv

About 5 years ago, I finally identified {one of} the major malfunction{s} in my marriage:

My husband No Buts when I need him to Yes And.

"It reminds me of this rehearsal game we used to play," I told him.

"Yes And" was a game where one person would start a scene and alternate with a partner to build/expand the scene using the premise of "Yes, and..."  When one of the partners would respond with silence, a dead end, or a "no but" response, another player would take his/her place and begin a new scene. Players had to be focused and intentional. The best, most engaging, and creative scenes were those in which players were able to volley back and forth in a sort of "Yes And" bubble.  

 

My husband recently pulled out "Yes And" with our eldest.

With a smirk, I acknowledged the art of the "Yes And" has become a legitimate framework in our household.  

One on-a-whim audition 18 years ago and everything I know about relationships, I learned from Improv 

{only funnier because Yes And was not the first game to make its way into our marriage...}

Over time {in the real, non-Improv world} I have observed that people generally have an operational style that falls into one of two basic categories:

1) No But-ers  

or

2) Yes And-ers

No But-ers tend to receive what you say and put up verbal or emotional barricades for developing an idea or topic further. This can take many forms and while it is sometimes an explicit "no but..." phrase, it is most often an implicit style of response rooted in insecurity, ignorance, and a tendency toward competition.  As a No But-er's partner, you may often feel defensive, unheard, discouraged, shut down, and shut out.  Most No But-ers do not seem to do this intentionally and the intensity of its impact varies but the relational effect is detrimental just the same.

Yes And-ers tend to receive what you say and erect verbal and emotional bridges to encourage you one or two steps further in your idea or topic.  It may be an explicit "yes and..." statement, or it may be a tacit framework for a conversation that is rooted in empathy, authentic interest, and self-awareness.  As a Yes-And-er's partner, you may feel excited, engaged, heard, and yearn for more time with the person.  While some people appear to come by this style effortlessly, I find that most Yes And-ers seem to be intentional at some level about utilizing this approach. 

This is not to say that people cannot {or do not} slip into the other style, depending on the situation or environment, just that we all have a primary mode.  And most of us don't think this structurally in conversation or relationships, we just have a "feeling" about someone we interact with. However, if we are really thoughtful and honest about it, the ability to take what someone says and build bridges is a challenge we all face. 

 

A part of me wants to think people are more complicated than this but I am not sure we are.  At our core, no matter what our beliefs and our insecurities, we want to be in relationships where we feel safe and heard and engaged and encouraged.  

So, I use this framework. 

{A lot}

I find it provides a very concrete, skill-based frame of reference for how people engage each other

and

I love it because we can practice and, with time, get better at working the "Yes And..."

 

calm the f--- down!

I will not lie: 

I have the urge to say this phrase to any number of people in a given day.

Loved ones, strangers, my kids, clients, other parents, colleagues...

But I don't.

Well, not out loud.

And certainly not at work - 

until last week.

We had a patient who came in - reeking of alcohol and raising a verbal ruckus.

We experienced her as uncooperative and belligerant; she was verbally aggressive and everyone was frustrated with her.

She was asking for help but then refused to let anyone touch her, talk to her, or provide any care.

She lobbed insults and accusations and she was sucking up what felt like valuable time.

The physician made numerous attempts to break through her chaos but her riot was impenetrable.

The physician ordered Haldol.

Our patient was screaming and all I could hear and feel in her cries was trauma.

This patient was not in her right mind and completely out of line {she was drunk, after all} 

but what she expressed were fears born of trauma.  

And here we were, trying our best to care for her, but our best was only fueling her anxieties and fears.

I was standing at the room's periphery; my heart started to race, my palms started to sweat, and I walked closer to the action.

"Okay, everyone take 2 steps back," I said quietly.

The nurse stood at bedside, poised with the needle, trying to find a break in her flailing.

"Please, take a couple steps back," I repeated - this time with more authority.

I stepped into the bedside space the medical team had vacated near her left hip.

"I know this is overwhelming and I hear that you want to get out of here.  But we cannot do that until we are able to clear you medically."

More yelling...but she stopped flailing.

I fixed my eyes on hers and said very slowly:  Right now, You. Need. To. Calm. The. Fuck. Down.

"We cannot help you if you do not calm down.  I will sit here with you and I will listen and I will help you get the support you need but that can only happen if you calm down.  I am going to start some deep breathing and I want you to join me..."

I inhaled and exhaled.  

Inhaled. 

Exhaled. 

Inhaled. 

Exhaled.

She started breathing with me...and talking. 

Talking about her night, about her life, about her trauma(s).

The nurse capped the syringe, started an IV, took her vitals, and began charting. 

The physician took a deep breath and went to see another patient.

The ruckus was over.

 

I am still not sure it was appropriate or professional to engage her like I did but seriously, 

sometimes, 

you just need a little eye contact and a firm reminder to:

 

Calm the fuck down.

this year i decided i am beautiful

there is this moment when i step out of the shower - before i put my contacts in -

when i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think, "i see what he means...i am beautiful."

in that moment, i am just stepping out of a kind of sacred space {where i've been thinking and dreaming and processing}

so when i swing the curtain aside and grab a towel,

i am full of energy and ideas and excitement about the possibilities ahead.

in that moment, the physical awareness and impression of myself is nearly a blank slate.

i have a surge of self-confidence, inflated with visions of myself as beautiful and graceful and ready to take on the world.

and then, somewhere in the process of going through the rest of my "getting ready" routine, i start to deflate.

i notice all my flaws.

it is subtle at first but my awareness slowly suffocates the confidence which bolstered me moments before:

the desert on my skin

the fullness of my eyebrows

the way my hair falls - too fine and too thin and not straight but not curly

the way scar tissue distorts my face when i smile

my wide feet

my flabby knees

my ample thighs

my complexion

the pouch i carry even though my little joeys are much too old

the way my clothes are ill-fitting

the list is never ending - even before the fog clears from the bathroom mirror.

but this year, my husband told me he wishes i would see myself as he sees me:

beautiful.

he wishes i would accept his assessment of me and not argue - not add innumerable exceptions.

so this year, i decided i am beautiful.

it is an intellectual-emotional exercise with inconsistent results, but i am trying:

to catch myself in the moments of self-doubt and self-criticism and DECIDE that my assessment is not right.

i AM beautiful.