Being True

We are at the end of the quarter and the final assignment in one of my classes is to write "an informal end-of-career journal entry."  We are to pretend we are at the end of our scholarly career and reflect on the accomplishments or impact our work has had.
None of you will likely be surprised by this, my entry:

Here’s the deal, 

I am not super comfortable with the idea of envisioning the mountain top – the end of my scholarly career – and looking back to reflect on where I have been and what I have done.  

That is not me.  

The process is me.  

Choosing how to live in the moment – that is me.  

In the end, what I accomplish is going to be based on decisions and risks I take along the way
and 

what I have learned in my first four decades of life is this: 

I have no idea what those decisions and risks are going to be ahead of time. 

So, when thinking about impact, I don’t want to be looking back, I want to be looking forward.  

I want to be intentional and grounded.
I want to see potential in myself, in others, and in the landscape around us -
{even when it feels like a lost cause}

I am not satisfied with the reflection, “what have I accomplished?” 

I want to forge a pathway rooted in the question, 

“how then shall I live?”

This is how I want to live:

As a scholar, as a partner, as a mother, as family
{or framily, as my kids call friends who are our chosen family},
as a colleague, as an educator, as a mentor, and as a friend, I endeavor to co-create a society in which I want to live.  

I want to be authentic and gracious. 

I want to challenge and to be challenged – to do better, to be better, and to live fully.  

I want to have vision and purpose
and
I want to always feel responsibility for what I know, for what I learn along the way.
I want to choose to see the best in others & I want to fight for perspectives other than my own to be at “the table.”  

I want to know and to be known.  

I want to love and to be loved.   

I want what I do to be reflective of all of the intersecting parts of my personhood
and
I want to see the intersectionality in others.

When I look back
{which I fully acknowledge is developmentally appropriate}
I know I will be able to point to accomplishments
but I want those to be defined by how I choose to live. 

Day by day. 

Moment by moment. 

Decision by decision.

The process is my impact.

The process is me.

This One Goes Out to the One I Love

It was dark and quiet as I walked into my apartment tonight.

no kids 

no partner 

no clutter

no chaos 

{except in my mind, per the usual}

My day has been full of writing, data sets, grant proposals, and going to class.

Back home, the kids went school, my partner went to work, they ate subs for dinner, and they all went to a middle school orchestra concert.

I am aware of their routine but not responsible for it.

---

Almost two decades ago

 - when he was still the illusive “church boy” and we were flirting but not flirting - 

{you know what I'm talking about}

we lounged in the back bedroom of his college apartment and talked about a zillion things.  

At the time he had sworn off marriage so I remember asking him:

 “If you ever get married and have kids, would you consider being the parent who provides primary care for the kids and home?” 

He thought for a moment and said, 

“I could see myself enjoying that role for a time.”

Photo Credit: Roni Lee Photography 2016

Well, that time has come.

While I live in another state pursuing a dream, 

he is taking on the role of primary parent and it is

relentless.

His ability to partner with me extends far beyond any fantasies 

I conjured up in that dank, college apartment.

And 

my heart, is full of gratitude.

good enough parent confession #7: a family that dines together...

I will start with the confession:

I do not like eating dinner with my children.

Yes, me, the family therapist, does not like eating dinner with her children.

Coming together for dinner has been promoted as the holy grail of a healthy family for as long as I can remember but most nights, my husband and I choose to eat together after the kids go to bed.

I can go on and on about why we choose this but the long and short is this:

It is difficult to enjoy both the food and the experience when eating with a 5 yo and a 10 yo.

I want to have my cake and eat it too 

{story of my life these days} 

and so

We provide them with a meal and I sit with them at the table 

while my husband stands in the space between the kitchen and dining room.

While they eat, 

we chat about the day, we chat about current events, we crack jokes together, and 

my husband manages their additional requests for silverware, water, more food, less food, different food, and...

I don't know if it can be considered the golden standard of family meals but 

they get fed and we get family time - 

and later in the evening,

I also get to enjoy a meal and conversation with my spouse 

{without interruption}

ten minutes of joy

life is intense.

not just mine but those all around me.

a lot is happening,

all. of. the. time.

in my clinical social work class this semester i gave students this assignment:

every day, 

be intentional about giving yourself ten minutes to enjoy life, 

unencumbered by the things on your to-do list.

the "what" does not matter - i will not judge - 

but i will check in with you each week to see how it is going.

as one who is ruled by an unrelenting list of things to do, i find this task of intentionality to be difficult so i understood when my students reflected that "10 minutes of joy" felt like just another task on the list.  

every day, 

be intentional.

as one who is easily distracted into procrastination, i understood when my students came back reporting that "10 minutes of joy" turned into hours of joy and serves as an excuse for delaying the inevitable.  

every day,

be intentional.

as one who is loves a routine but hates feeling bound or stuck, i understood when my students came back to class to tell me that selecting one activity to engage in for their "10 minutes of joy" was boring and uninspired.

every day, 

be intentional.

we have been at this assignment for nearly 2 months and i think, have finally ventured to the other side.  our discussions are less about the barriers and more about seeing the assignment for what it is:

being intentional. 

carving out the time and space

to take care of our emotional and physical well-being.

it is not about the exact amount of minutes or even the actual substance of that time;

it is about our recognition that in the midst of life's insanity,

we all need some time to 

slow down, hold still, and remember:

who we are, why we do what we do, and where we are going.

feeling heavy

  Today has been heavy.   

My heart feels broken and my soul feels raw.

I was almost in tears as I drove our kids to school today.

We listened to radio reports of riots and protests.

I felt the outrage and the futility and the sadness and the anger.

I wanted to loot and set things on fire.  Not an appropriate response but a valid one;

Anything to communicate how I felt inside.

I was almost in tears as I started class today.  

 I was not the only one.

We processed the news of a fellow student’s death.

We learned how to treat survivors of childhood trauma.

We discussed stigma and prejudice.   

Today has been heavy;

Like the fullness of injustice and pain and suffering is resting in my soul.

I was almost in tears as I met with my students for coffee after class today.

We discussed social justice and systemic racism.

We discussed poverty and oppression and privilege.

We discussed what it means to be an ally and advocate. 

The conversation was heavy but I am so thankful for the space and time to have it.

I was almost in tears at dinner today.

I was disappointed when our oldest reported he hadn’t talked race at all during school

But relieved to hear he’s been thinking about our morning's discussion of moderating strong emotions.

Our youngest declared his “bestest friends have brown skin and white skin and all the colors of skin”

But I don’t think he even really understands the significance yet.

This realization is heavy because I know

Neither of our boys will likely ever be on the receiving end of the bias and fear and –ism’s that permeate our culture. 

 

I was almost in tears all day today.

My heart feels broken and my soul feels raw

As I grapple with the realities of my privilege.