boss of change

Reality check:

All things change.

In general, I really like {and have a need} for things to change.

But as I encounter a number of changes taking place, across numerous life spheres, I realize:

I do not like change as much as I thought I did.

I do not like change being put upon me.

I have too many questions. I have too many opinions. 

I have too many things to say about the changes being made.

To put a finer point on it:

I do like {and possibly love} change.

as long as

I am the boss of change.

quiet living amongst the dead

We attended a viewing for family of family and took our nieces, who had been at the funeral home all day, out for dinner with our kids. 

Just beyond the doors of the funeral home, the city was hosting a School of Rock concert. 

There was no way you could miss the music. 

The kids, all under the age of 9, were enthralled and stopped on the sidewalk to stare.

Once we started walking again, one of the kids said:

"they really shouldn't have a rock concert tonight outside the funeral home."

{Why do you say that?} I ask

"Because someone has died and rock music doesn't respect everyone's sadness."

We continued on and talked about the role and power of music to help people cope with grief.

How sometimes rock music or even heavy metal music or a genre of music that feels to us as 

"too much" might help someone else feel less sad.  

And then we arrived to our destination.

But I was thinking more about our conversation.

{imagine that}

About the accuracy of her statement.

Because the music did feel a little bit inappropriate as we walked out from 

the quiet living taking place amongst the dead.

But it also served as permission to take our dinner to the playground to play.

And felt, in some way, a tribute to a life well-lived.

good friends

tonight i am thankful for good friends.

those friends with whom 

you can pick up where you left off and

experience the fullness of life and love wherever you are

together

those friends with whom

you are able to laugh and cry in the same conversation

and find companionship in those life details that seem novel

and mundane

those friends with whom

you discover new tidbits about yourself and

become reacquainted with tidbits you thought were long past

those friends with whom

time spent together is never enough

tonight i am thankful for good friends.

a glimmer of hope

this week has been marked by loss. brokenness. injustice. and despair.

in the lives of family and friends.

in the lives of my clients.

 i feel like i have spent a long while on the mourning bench.

last night was no different.

i sat with a family as they tried to take in the neurologist's words:

"right now it is not looking good...this medication is the only chance...for some sort of recovery but we just don't know..."

medication administered.

hurry up and wait.

one hour later, i walked by to provide support to the family before they moved the patient to the ICU.

the mourning bench was moved away from the bedside.

the patient was talking. joking. touching the faces of family members.

that moment. that miracle.

doesn't erase the loss. the brokenness. the injustice. the despair.

but it goes a long way to remind me that amidst all of the sucky-ness in life, 

there is light. 

there is good-ness.

there is hope.

uh uh uh, should've said...

we used to play an improv game called "should've said."

a scene would commence on stage and when the narrator said, "uh uh uh, should've said" we would reformulate our last line, which had the effect of changing the course of the scene.

i play this game by myself now.

most often saying {uh uh uh, should've said} in my head when confronted with a situation needing fixin'.

for example, a couple of weeks ago:

we took our kiddo to the emergency room {not the one where i work} for the first time ever.

he was fine {and tubing} in the morning and then had a fever of 104.2, complaining of severe neck pain after lunch.  none of it seemed to respond to ibuprofen, so off to the ER we went.

his fever finally started to break around the time the doctor(s) came in to examine him.

{of course}

the medical team asked "so why did you bring him in again?...clinically speaking, he looks in perfect health...it is probably just a virus and the swab will come back negative but we will run one anyway.  although, if it comes back positive, he is likely just a strep carrier..."

an expensive ER visit, with a side of condescension to-go.

{uh uh uh, should've said...}

"you know, with a fever that high and complaints of neck pain, you did the right thing to bring him in.

especially if it didn't seem like the medication was bringing his fever down.

given his reported history of recurrent strep throat, we would like to run a swab to rule it out but clinically speaking, we are not seeing anything at this point to indicate infection...so it is probably just a virus..."

yo! it is the same clinical outcome, just with a side of validation for the parents

{who contemplated this decision for 2 hours, skipped dinner, drove 30 minutes to get there, and are out-of-network}

i know there are many people who misuse the emergency room for medical care. 

but those patients do not represent all patients and, furthermore, our family is not one of them.

and even if we were, a medical team has no right to treat us like we are idiots.

there are ways to both validate and educate, without resorting to condescension.

{just sayin'}

p.s. 

our kiddo woke up 10 hours later with pus draining from his ear. 

it makes me wonder what "perfect health" looks like.