About 5 years ago, I finally identified {one of} the major malfunction{s} in my marriage:
My husband No Buts when I need him to Yes And.
"It reminds me of this rehearsal game we used to play," I told him.
"Yes And" was a game where one person would
start a scene and alternate with a partner to build/expand the scene
using the premise of "Yes, and..." When one of the partners would
respond with silence, a dead end, or a "no but" response, another player
would take his/her place and begin a new scene. Players had to be focused and intentional. The
best, most engaging, and creative scenes were those in which players
were able to volley back and forth in a sort of "Yes And" bubble.
My husband recently pulled out "Yes And" with our eldest.
With a smirk, I acknowledged the art of the "Yes And" has become a legitimate framework in our household.
One on-a-whim audition 18 years ago and everything I know about relationships, I learned from Improv
{only funnier because Yes And was not the first game to make its way into our marriage...}
Over time {in the real, non-Improv world} I have observed that people generally have an operational style that falls into one of two basic categories:
1) No But-ers
or
2) Yes And-ers
No But-ers tend to receive what you say and put up verbal or emotional barricades for developing an idea or topic further. This can take many forms and while it is sometimes an explicit "no but..." phrase, it is most often an implicit style of response rooted in insecurity, ignorance, and a tendency toward competition. As a No But-er's partner, you may often feel defensive, unheard, discouraged, shut down, and shut out. Most No But-ers do not seem to do this intentionally and the intensity of its impact varies but the relational effect is detrimental just the same.
Yes And-ers tend to receive what you say and erect verbal and emotional bridges to encourage you one or two steps further in your idea or topic. It may be an explicit "yes and..." statement, or it may be a tacit framework for a conversation that is rooted in empathy, authentic interest, and self-awareness. As a Yes-And-er's partner, you may feel excited, engaged, heard, and yearn for more time with the person. While some people appear to come by this style effortlessly, I find that most Yes And-ers seem to be intentional at some level about utilizing this approach.
This is not to say that people cannot {or do not}
slip into the other style, depending on the situation or environment,
just that we all have a primary mode. And most of us don't think this
structurally in conversation or relationships, we just have a "feeling"
about someone we interact with. However, if we are really thoughtful and honest about it, the ability to take what someone says and build bridges is a challenge we all face.
A part of me wants to think people are more complicated than this but I am not sure we are. At our core, no matter what our beliefs and our insecurities, we want to be in relationships where we feel safe and heard and engaged and encouraged.
So, I use this framework.
{A lot}
I find it provides a very concrete, skill-based frame of reference for how people engage each other
and
I love it because we can practice and, with time, get better at working the "Yes And..."
