Being True

We are at the end of the quarter and the final assignment in one of my classes is to write "an informal end-of-career journal entry."  We are to pretend we are at the end of our scholarly career and reflect on the accomplishments or impact our work has had.
None of you will likely be surprised by this, my entry:

Here’s the deal, 

I am not super comfortable with the idea of envisioning the mountain top – the end of my scholarly career – and looking back to reflect on where I have been and what I have done.  

That is not me.  

The process is me.  

Choosing how to live in the moment – that is me.  

In the end, what I accomplish is going to be based on decisions and risks I take along the way
and 

what I have learned in my first four decades of life is this: 

I have no idea what those decisions and risks are going to be ahead of time. 

So, when thinking about impact, I don’t want to be looking back, I want to be looking forward.  

I want to be intentional and grounded.
I want to see potential in myself, in others, and in the landscape around us -
{even when it feels like a lost cause}

I am not satisfied with the reflection, “what have I accomplished?” 

I want to forge a pathway rooted in the question, 

“how then shall I live?”

This is how I want to live:

As a scholar, as a partner, as a mother, as family
{or framily, as my kids call friends who are our chosen family},
as a colleague, as an educator, as a mentor, and as a friend, I endeavor to co-create a society in which I want to live.  

I want to be authentic and gracious. 

I want to challenge and to be challenged – to do better, to be better, and to live fully.  

I want to have vision and purpose
and
I want to always feel responsibility for what I know, for what I learn along the way.
I want to choose to see the best in others & I want to fight for perspectives other than my own to be at “the table.”  

I want to know and to be known.  

I want to love and to be loved.   

I want what I do to be reflective of all of the intersecting parts of my personhood
and
I want to see the intersectionality in others.

When I look back
{which I fully acknowledge is developmentally appropriate}
I know I will be able to point to accomplishments
but I want those to be defined by how I choose to live. 

Day by day. 

Moment by moment. 

Decision by decision.

The process is my impact.

The process is me.