when the past calls

"He is that guy," she says, conspiratorially.

"Which guy?" I ask 

 {not totally sure about the flush that crept into her cheeks and the way she picked at the edge of the loose leaf paper on the table in front of her}

"You know, that guy you used to have a thing with.  That guy from a long time ago, who, if I would have known I was going to see him today, I would have worn something a little less frumpy..."

Aha, that guy.

The one who remains vivid in the reel of your past narrative. The one who flushes your cheeks and causes you to ponder the "what if..."  The one who makes an appearance into your present every now and again and creates a bit of a stir in your resolve.  

I think I know a guy like that.

"When the past calls, don't answer." 

{the sign warns} 

"It has nothing good to say."

I thought of "that guy," as I drove past.

The next day, I received some disappointing news - in that moment. The one that pauses like stop-action film in your mind - the one you replay in levels far beyond the reach of your subconscious. It broke me apart for a while. Unresolved spaces in my narrative blistered open and I felt vulnerable, exposed.
The moment left me momentarily immobilized and uncertain. 

Aha, that moment, you say;

yeah, I think you know a moment like that.

Two weeks later, I sat across from a friend who took on the challenge of writing about each year of life, in anticipation of a 40th birthday.   The project, my friend reports, was exciting and engaging until that year...the year that is difficult to put into words because it is overpowered by regret, and maybe a little shame.  

It is hard to get past that year, my friend relates, even if the ones beyond it are pretty great.   

Aha, that year.  

I think I know a year like that.

Those guys, those moments, and those years, they call on us every now and then.  They flush our cheeks and leave us a little speechless, wishing we were a little more of this and a little less of that.  

The temptation and admonition {from a variety of sources...in a variety of ways} is to leave the call unanswered - to believe the call has nothing good to say.

Indeed, it is likely true that answering the call and shutting off our call-waiting to give exclusive attention bears little good.
However, our past is significant. 

{for good or for bad} 

We are the partners, lovers, friends, professionals, parents, and persons we are because of the path on which we've journeyed.  The past does call and it demands our attention. 

I guess I believe it is worth answering the call from time to time - to take a minute to chat.

The ability to commune with our past helps us grow beyond who we are now into who we become.

today. this moment.

{Outside my window}

it is blue skies and..cold.  But it smells great.  All crisp and clear.

{I am thinking}

it has been a long time since I drank diet coke for breakfast but that is what I did today in the absence of orange juice?!? I have many posts I am working on but they are slow-going so I need a quickie like this to get past my radio silence. I love to travel but I also thoroughly enjoy being back at home.

{I am thankful for}

a warm home, lingering fatigue from a cross-country adventure, a few more days off of work, family (near and far), friends (near & far), and affection.

{From the kitchen}

The dishwasher is whirring, the coffee pot is gurgling, and the last piece of birthday cake is calling my name.

{I am wearing}

athletic pants and a sweatshirt from high school. My usual rule is I have to be dressed in jeans or better to take the kids to school but I broke my rule this morning. I figured as long as I showered first...

{I am going}

to a client's home for therapy today.  I love the smidge of anxiety and thrill I feel in not knowing exactly what to expect from any given therapy session. I like my job(s).

{I am hoping}

for quality time with my big and littles this weekend. We have had a house full of guests and/or been out of town since the start of the new year so a long weekend at home - just the four of us - feels ripe with possibility.

{A few of my favorite things}

flannel sheets, warm showers, clementines, french vanilla creamer splurges, jamming to music in the car, and trashy t.v.

How is your day going?  

Right now, in this moment?

spaceteam and other sounds

right now, 

my husband and 2 friends are playing space team together on iOs devices while i sit and drink wine.

their voices mingle together, fast and furious, simultaneously instructing each other toward a common goal.

somebody's device is plugged in so he cannot move...but he wants to. bad.

another is alternating between sitting on the couch, jumping in the air, and kneeling on the floor -
hair flying all about as she moves...eyes on fire.

the third is like a statue - until the instructions say "shake" at which time he and the device...
{shake shake shake}
 

this weekend with friends has been good.

a mix of adult conversation and work:fun alongside child's play.

belly laughs accented by screams of delight.

fart jokes and 8 year old discussions of body image and wealth.
the crunch of popcorn while watching a movie.

the humming bubbles of a whirlpool and cannonballs echoing within a steamy pool room.
the light clinking and clanking of kids searching for legos.
the quiet silence of sleep interrupted by lullabies, nighttime weepies, and snoring. 

this weekend has been good - 

good for the soul and a good way to start the "new" year.

cheers!