good enough parent confession #5: riding the waterslide

"I want to stand here by myself," he tells me as the bell signals impending waves.

"That's fine," I say, further directing him to remain close enough that he could hold my hand if needed.

"Okay" And with that, he flashes me his delicious smile and walks into the oncoming waves.

{Well, mama, I say to myself, it is time to pony up...}

I splash my way to him and pick him up. 

He laughs as I carry him in my arms and start removing his life jacket and then...

He stops laughing

He starts squirming and

He starts scream-crying.

You see, we were going to hang in the wave pool for one more round of waves and then ride the water slide two more times before going home...as long as he made safe choices. 

{making safe choices, a growing area of difficulty for him that afternoon}

Screaming. 

Bargaining. Big big tears. Back arched. Body rigid. 

More screaming.

I consider the ease of riding the water slide "one more time, pleeeeease" and how that would likely calm everyone down and {maybe} get us home with fewer tears.  

So tempting.  

But I decide against it and instead, pack up our bag and hoist both bag and boy across my shoulders.

                           

He screams bloody murder all the way to the car.

"I wanna go on the water slide! I wanna go on the water slide!  I wanna go on the water slide!"

He pushes against me and kicks his feet.

And then braces himself against my attempts to buckle him in to his seat - so much so that I have to take a break -

To laugh

 {it was that or cry}

And record this epic tantrum on film.

I finally get him buckled in and we drive home with his cries on repeat.

45 minutes later, he was sucking his thumb and snuggled into my lap on the couch.

My bathing suit was still damp and my arms were shaking from the exertion of tantrum-wrangling.

I kiss his sweaty head and whisper, 

"I had a wonderful day with you.  I am sorry the end of our adventure was so disappointing and sad."

"It's okay," he says with his thumb still in his mouth, "I make safe choices tomorrow."

-----

confession number 5: 

Sometimes you have to be "that parent" who takes her kid from the water park, kicking & screaming

{even if it feels bad}

and

Laughs {or smirks} when emotionally overwhelmed with her child 

and

Asks her other child to hold the camera while it is recording bad behavior.

Sometimes safe choices are hard choices and you have to trust you will get a do-over tomorrow.

life is sweet

i am standing atop a boulder, overlooking the cool river rippling below and watching activity on the opposite shore.  i am preparing to jump - i feel trepidation and confidence. feelings that reflect my experience in real-time and the general feelings of my inner mind. 

this, my last day of summer, is one dedicated to reflection, despite myself.

in a couple of weeks i will close out an era.

it means little to most people i encounter but it has BIG meaning to me.

the culmination of 8 years of instability and countless hurdles, more school, long hours, loads of debt, and lots of tears.  

yes, in a couple of weeks i will submit my application for a full social work license and will have reached the light at the end of the tunnel.

i am not sure what the light will bring as i forge into the season ahead.  

standing above the water, i can't help but recall  a conversation with my parents a couple of years ago when i was really struggling with the implications of turning down an offer for full-time employment in order to continue working 3 part-time jobs, with an odd and unpredictable schedule.  they know my decisions have caused me angst but their encouragement that day was this: savor this time. 

set a long-range goal and then stay present in the moment.

{also knowing that is a tall order for this gal}

remember that our present circumstance is my choice made up of a series of decisions we established

after weighing the options and identifying what is best for me and for our little family.

the journey here has not been easy or ideal {though i recognize it might look like it to some}.

i feel confident in the decision to work hard at the opportunities availed to me.

i feel proud of staying present {mostly} and being able to hold steady. 

in this time, i have had the luxury of the both:and -

finding viable employment in which i experience meaning and joy and overall fulfillment and

being able to stay at home many days with our kids.

my work schedule is flexible enough to take long road trips, join field trips, be a secret reader, sit alone in a hammock and/or just take time away. 

i feel blessed

and

as i get closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, 

i feel reassured that this was the right journey for me - for us. 

looking ahead my palms sweat with familiar trepidation in the face of the unknown but i am savoring how i feel in this moment: abundantly thankful {and relieved}.