pieces

"She struggled with her sadness, but tried to conceal it, to divide it into smaller and smaller parts and scatter these in places she thought no one would find them." 

- from Great House by Nicole Krauss

This sentence has had me thinking since I read it on Saturday.

Thinking about:

the process of managing one's sadness. or

depression. anxiety. anger.

Thinking about:

the idea of breaking it apart in order to mitigate a full take-over.

the idea of trying to hide one's dis-order from another.

the vulnerability it takes to present one's dis-order to another in its fullness (or even in pieces).

Thinking about:

how similar this strategy is to the one used to help people get through difficult seasons in their lives:

{one day at a time}

how the character is simultaneously impressed and frustrated.

Impressed by his spouse's ability to manage her immense sadness.

(in an attempt to stay a viable part of society) 

and

Frustrated with being left out.

Paradox

And that's been keeping me thinking.

feeding god's hungriest children

Last week we completed our first family service project.

Our friend's church hosted an all-weekend event packing meals for Feed My Starving Children.

We signed up for one 2-hour shift.

Orientation took place in a darkened middle school lunch room with over 200 volunteers.

The church showed their outreach music video.

The service organization's leader gave a detailed - albeit abstract - description of the organization, the project, and provided some education about starvation in third-world countries.  

They closed with a video highlighting interviews with some of the people who have received nourishment from their organization.  It felt a bit like one of those timeshare sales pitches you go through in order to get the "free" amusement park tickets...we just wanted to get on with the amusement (packing)!

{The salient parts of the pitch?}

• FMSC is a non-profit Christian organization with over 60 non-government partners worldwide
• FMSC and their partners feed God's hungriest children all over the globe and
• Over 90% of all donations go directly to the feeding program rather than administration and operation costs.

Check 'em out:

Feed My Starving Children 

When all was said and done, we ended up with 45 minutes of actual packing time.

{disappointing}

We did, however, have a blast and since the project had young volunteers in mind, our son could participate in nearly all of the jobs in the packing process!  It was a productive time and our kiddo has since requested that find another time to volunteer.

{mission accomplished}

 

Now, if you are a social worker married to a transportation planner and both of you think critically about life, with a healthy dose of cynicism thrown in for good measure, this is what your conversation might look like around the breakfast table the next morning:

The number of volunteers this organization is able to employ in its efforts is remarkable and provides a true testament to the power of volunteer mobilization. But is is only through these volunteer efforts the organization is able to keep their administration costs down, which means the awesomeness of the volunteer mobilization is actually masking the true costs of the organization's overall mission.  If one were to take into account the cost of fuel/energy for volunteers to get to the event, the energy costs absorbed by the host institution, and the time spent at the event, it is possible the mission to feed God's hungriest children throughout the globe could actually be done by machines. 

{For less cost.  Just sayin'}

And what about God's hungriest children?  What about those who don't get fed - those for whom an organization hasn't partnered with FMSC on their behalf?  And is it any more compelling to label them God's children rather than "the hungriest?"  Besides, we were all sold on the significance and importance of the project before we even stepped into the lunchroom.  So beyond the education piece (which is always vital), there seemed to be little value added for the sales pitch.

And finally, don't get me started on the emphasis on non-government partnerships.  This raises all sorts of questions and concerns for me and will have to be a blog post for another time.

{All cynicism aside} 

It was a good time and one we will likely repeat together.

confessions of a bully

Most people I tell find it hard to believe I was a bully.  

I, myself, even find it hard to believe bullying was a behavior mechanism of my past.  

And whenever bullying comes up (which happens a lot in my circles), I always feel a bit of remorse.

I will say that I was also bullied.

I don't share that information as a way of trying to excuse my own actions.

I share that only to say that whenever the discussion arises, I feel both sides:

the feeling that came from wielding power

as well as

the paralysis inflicted by the unwieldy power of another.

It is no surprise that bullying is a common experience identified by school-age youth.  Rates vary but I find it noteworthy that nationally, an estimated 30 per cent of students are involved in bullying by the time they are in high school (Srabstein et al., 2007).  Bullying goes by different names and has myriad definitions but all consist of negative actions that are physical, verbal, and/or relational in nature (Card & Hodges, 2008).  Regardless of the type of aggression asserted, being the victim of bullying predicts maladjustment in children, resulting in poor psychosocial adjustment, poor academic performance, increased anxiety, depression and suicidality, increased somatic complaints, increased substance use, and greater reports of loneliness (Card & Hodges, 2008; Abada et al., 2008; Carney, 2008).  The heightened attention to recent youth suicides related to concerns of bullying certainly highlight this predictive connection.

My son, at age 6, recently asked me why people are bullies and my response was something like, sometimes people have an overwhelming situation or experience that drowns out their ability to manage how they feel and those feelings end up coming out as mean behavior or mean words toward other people.  He acknowledged understanding and later wondered if the kid at school who was bullying him was maybe worried about an upcoming move.  Maybe, buddy.

The causes of bullying are difficult to nail down but there are are number of correlates found in the research.  For instance, physical weakness is identified as a primary antecedent to being bullied but is the only physical characteristic significantly identified as a risk factor (Card & Hodges, 2008).  {Which is a total bummer if you are small while you are in grade school}.  The level of group or peer acceptance is also correlated with being bullied; the lower acceptance by peers, the greater the likelihood of being bullied.  One study even suggests that students will pursue increasingly aggressive behavior in an attempt to win the acceptance of desired peers (Juvonen & Ho, 2008), illustrating social motives can be both strong factors of risk or protection {imagine that}. 

The research, as well as reports from school administrators and teachers, acknowledges parents and home life can present as both risk and protective factors for school children (Card & Hodges, 2008; Nickerson et al., 2008).  Child abuse and threats of rejection by parents/adults (Card & Hodges, 2008), along with over-protective parenting, insecure attachment with parents/adult, being a minority or immigrant, poor parental support and cohesion at home, and neighborhood cohesion (Abada, et al., 2008, Card & Hodges, 2008, & Nickerson, et al., 2008) are risk factors correlated with bullying.  Some of the same research also suggests victims of these types of parent/adult interactions will, in turn, become perpetrators of bullying.  These data suggest to me the importance of providing a parenting approach that is built on empowerment and grace, rather than emphasizing power and shame.  I fully acknowledge this is a delicate balance with which most parents, teachers, and other adults struggle on a daily basis.
       
The risk and protective factors are diverse and span the breadth of an individual’s life.  As such, interventions and discussions need to address the bullying in a comprehensive fashion, involving not just the interpersonal skills of the individual but also one’s home, educational, and community spheres.  And so, when my child came home with reports of being bullied, we were quickly in contact with his teacher/school and at home we continue to discuss the issue across all spheres, including brainstorming and role playing responses he can use when in the situation again or when he is a witness to bullying.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to wish away my school-age bullying history

- the giving and the receiving - 

but 

as a parent, as a trusted adult in the lives of youth, I feel challenged to 

own it.

 

new dad on the turnpike

We have some friends who are anticipating the birth of their first child.

The dad-to-be was expressing anxiety about knowing what to do with himself and the baby - wondering about his role as dad and 

lamenting how long it will be until their child is 

"as fun as yours." 

It reminded me of an encounter we had a while back when stopped off on the Ohio Turnpike for lunch.

Our son was taking forever to get out of the car while a guy walked slowly past,

blatantly staring at our chaos as he walked into the restaurant.  

Finally wrangled free from the confines of his car seat, our son ran ahead to open the door for us.  

The staring guy was there, making himself useful in assisting our son's independence.  

When we walked past he apologized for staring, mentioning how he had a 4 week old at home.

"Wow! How are you and your partner doing?"

I asked.

He tells me they are really low on sleep but he tries to take some nights with the baby in the guest room so his wife can get more sleep.  

"But mostly," he says, "I don't know what to do with myself!"

He blinked his bleary eyes and shook his head, apologized again for staring, saying:

"You know, I can't help but admire your son and think about 

how great it will be when ours gets to be that age."

And so it is with new fathers.  

They find ways to help at the start, even though they feel misplaced and inconsequential,

but really 

they're just waiting for the baby to get fun.

"It gets better and you get more confident," 

I said as the door closed behind me.  

He smiled.

“I am looking forward to it.”

one of those days

This past week I encountered a whole series of "one of those days..." 

You know the kind.

For me, those days entail vacillating between feeling all "go get 'em tiger" and wanting to fall on the floor in the depths of despair (or alternately, kick a door or stomp my feet).  

But I don't really have time in my life for anything other than "go get 'em tiger" and everyone seems to expect nothing less.  In fact, when I recently gave an honest 

today-is-a-little-good-and-a-little-bit-of-a-pick-yourself-off-the-floor-kind-of-a-day 

response to the inquiry on my well-being, the person looked at me kind of dumbfounded and then...

walked away.

See, one of those days.

So as not to give in to the comforts of despair on the floor, I took stock of my ambivalence and reported out to a few trusted souls who in turn reminded me that:

1.  

Everything will be okay 

(it just might take longer than my patience will allow at the moment)

2.  

Everyone has these days

(and if they don't, they are in fact, lying)

3.  

Sometimes misery loves company 

(as in "invite your friends over!") 

4.  

My misery is a special kind that often loses its way in the kitchen.

And so, I brushed off #1 and #2 (because those only provide salve when I want them to) 

and 

I got cozy in the kitchen.

Friends are on their way over for dinner.

What do you do when faced with "one of those days?"

what is your play plan?

It is possible my family cracks regular jokes about me for the lengths I go to provide structure for how time will be spent.  There may even be a story out there about the time I made a to-do list for my mother (as a pre-K kiddo)...

No matter.

See, planning often works for me and it helps me maintain a mostly cool head.  And so, I have approached parenting in a similar fashion - being sure to construct a framework for what a child can expect to happen in a day and furthermore, highlighting points in the day when decisions or plans may be up-in-the-air.  In our house we have scripted the "morning routine," the "bedtime routine," and the "plan for the day" routine - all of which are subject to change as needed, of course.  But their placement in our lives makes for a common template from which to operate and functioning this way has a myriad benefits for all parties involved.  It has even been known to eliminate a transitional tantrum or two, which may be the most remarkable benefit of all.  Maybe.

However, a couple of years ago, our son started using the line, "I'm bored." 

awesome.

Unfortunately, no grown up's suggestions are ever a good enough replacement for the boredom once it is stated out loud.  So we got good at offering two choices:

1.  Stay bored 

or

2.  Come up with a plan for yourself

And this usually worked fairly well but was difficult for our son to grab onto himself and take ownership of.  Until...last year when I read Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman's Nurture Shock book. After which we instituted the play plan to replace the come-up-with-a-plan-for-yourself option.

Here is how the play plan works in our house.

Ingredients: 

Child(ren) expressing boredom or

Child(ren) demonstrating discomfort with having a wide-open day for play

An exhaustive list of possible options for activity (a mixture of independent play and partner options)

A specified time frame

Piece of paper

Writing Utensil(s)

An open mind

Optional: A short list of must-do's (chores, appointments, or errands)

Instructions:

a) Using an open mind, specify a time frame for the implementation of a play plan

b) Encourage child to consider all the things s/he could do today and

c) Decide which activities in which s/he would like to engage between now and ___ o' clock

d) Specify whether s/he needs to include any must-do's

e) Have child write his/her plan down on piece of paper (using words or pictures)

f) Include times for activity duration

g) Review play plan with child and discuss (establish parameters for) items, as appropriate

h) Ready. Set. Go get your play plan on!

i) Redirect child to play plan, as needed.

The beauty is a play plan works for grown ups too - either to set an agenda (think: visiting in-laws) or to remind you that it is important to mix in some play with your must-do's.

What is your 

play plan?