We have some friends who are anticipating the birth of their first child.
The dad-to-be was expressing anxiety about knowing what to do with himself and the baby - wondering about his role as dad and
lamenting how long it will be until their child is
"as fun as yours."
It reminded me of an encounter we had a while back when stopped off on the Ohio Turnpike for lunch.
Our son was taking forever to get out of the car while a guy walked slowly past,
blatantly staring at our chaos as he walked into the restaurant.
Finally wrangled free from the confines of his car seat, our son ran ahead to open the door for us.
The staring guy was there, making himself useful in assisting our son's independence.
When we walked past he apologized for staring, mentioning how he had a 4 week old at home.
"Wow! How are you and your partner doing?"
I asked.
He tells me they are really low on sleep but he tries to take some nights with the baby in the guest room so his wife can get more sleep.
"But mostly," he says, "I don't know what to do with myself!"
He blinked his bleary eyes and shook his head, apologized again for staring, saying:
"You know, I can't help but admire your son and think about
how great it will be when ours gets to be that age."
And so it is with new fathers.
They find ways to help at the start, even though they feel misplaced and inconsequential,
but really
they're just waiting for the baby to get fun.
"It gets better and you get more confident,"
I said as the door closed behind me.
He smiled.
“I am looking forward to it.”
hmm..
ReplyDeleteI did not feel misplaced or inconsequential. nor was i waiting for the baby to get fun.
I mostly loved rocking the baby in the middle of the night. i miss it.
Tim, if only we could clone your ease and confidence...it has been an admirable trait from the start. And you maintain that comfort through all the developmental stages ta-boot!
ReplyDeleteoh my. i was not intending this to turn into a compliment for me. i just wanted to question your assumptions about men vs. women...
ReplyDeletedo other men really feel that way? or are we just telling them to feel that way? or are they just trying to get out of changing diapers in the middle of the night?
I haven't done an official study but an anecdotal survey of friends and family and clients would indicate that your experience was one in the minority.
ReplyDeleteI don't really view it as a men vs. women issue as women are often equally anxious. I am sure I will post about that sometime too!
Even now in 2011, women tend to be the primary caretakers of children and there is often little space for the partner to jump in and when they do, the tasks are often growth areas. Tasks where the partner's confidence in their own significance and abilities needs to develop/grow over time (ie: changing diapers, bathing, snuggling up at night). For that reason, my response to new dads is usually the same: it's good, it gets better, and you will feel more confident as time goes.
And while I do think there are men out there who are strategic about their preference to not change diapers in the middle of the night, I think it is more often a symptom of there not being much communication about expectations and validation for each to have their own way about child caring.
p.s. the compliment stays as is.