confessions of a bully

Most people I tell find it hard to believe I was a bully.  

I, myself, even find it hard to believe bullying was a behavior mechanism of my past.  

And whenever bullying comes up (which happens a lot in my circles), I always feel a bit of remorse.

I will say that I was also bullied.

I don't share that information as a way of trying to excuse my own actions.

I share that only to say that whenever the discussion arises, I feel both sides:

the feeling that came from wielding power

as well as

the paralysis inflicted by the unwieldy power of another.

It is no surprise that bullying is a common experience identified by school-age youth.  Rates vary but I find it noteworthy that nationally, an estimated 30 per cent of students are involved in bullying by the time they are in high school (Srabstein et al., 2007).  Bullying goes by different names and has myriad definitions but all consist of negative actions that are physical, verbal, and/or relational in nature (Card & Hodges, 2008).  Regardless of the type of aggression asserted, being the victim of bullying predicts maladjustment in children, resulting in poor psychosocial adjustment, poor academic performance, increased anxiety, depression and suicidality, increased somatic complaints, increased substance use, and greater reports of loneliness (Card & Hodges, 2008; Abada et al., 2008; Carney, 2008).  The heightened attention to recent youth suicides related to concerns of bullying certainly highlight this predictive connection.

My son, at age 6, recently asked me why people are bullies and my response was something like, sometimes people have an overwhelming situation or experience that drowns out their ability to manage how they feel and those feelings end up coming out as mean behavior or mean words toward other people.  He acknowledged understanding and later wondered if the kid at school who was bullying him was maybe worried about an upcoming move.  Maybe, buddy.

The causes of bullying are difficult to nail down but there are are number of correlates found in the research.  For instance, physical weakness is identified as a primary antecedent to being bullied but is the only physical characteristic significantly identified as a risk factor (Card & Hodges, 2008).  {Which is a total bummer if you are small while you are in grade school}.  The level of group or peer acceptance is also correlated with being bullied; the lower acceptance by peers, the greater the likelihood of being bullied.  One study even suggests that students will pursue increasingly aggressive behavior in an attempt to win the acceptance of desired peers (Juvonen & Ho, 2008), illustrating social motives can be both strong factors of risk or protection {imagine that}. 

The research, as well as reports from school administrators and teachers, acknowledges parents and home life can present as both risk and protective factors for school children (Card & Hodges, 2008; Nickerson et al., 2008).  Child abuse and threats of rejection by parents/adults (Card & Hodges, 2008), along with over-protective parenting, insecure attachment with parents/adult, being a minority or immigrant, poor parental support and cohesion at home, and neighborhood cohesion (Abada, et al., 2008, Card & Hodges, 2008, & Nickerson, et al., 2008) are risk factors correlated with bullying.  Some of the same research also suggests victims of these types of parent/adult interactions will, in turn, become perpetrators of bullying.  These data suggest to me the importance of providing a parenting approach that is built on empowerment and grace, rather than emphasizing power and shame.  I fully acknowledge this is a delicate balance with which most parents, teachers, and other adults struggle on a daily basis.
       
The risk and protective factors are diverse and span the breadth of an individual’s life.  As such, interventions and discussions need to address the bullying in a comprehensive fashion, involving not just the interpersonal skills of the individual but also one’s home, educational, and community spheres.  And so, when my child came home with reports of being bullied, we were quickly in contact with his teacher/school and at home we continue to discuss the issue across all spheres, including brainstorming and role playing responses he can use when in the situation again or when he is a witness to bullying.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to wish away my school-age bullying history

- the giving and the receiving - 

but 

as a parent, as a trusted adult in the lives of youth, I feel challenged to 

own it.