working mother

Last night while snuggling before bed, our son declared he wanted to "make art all day tomorrow."

Quite a shift from his usual declaration of desire: play video games all day.

And I went to bed thinking:

{What do I want to do all day tomorrow?}

I have a very long list of things-to-do.

{Sound familiar?}

It is impossibly long and somewhat tedious.

Every day presents layers upon layers of competing demands and most days my ability 

to focus and stay present is 

compromised.

So as I went to bed, I felt that familiar ball of anxiety and dread and inadequacy start to form in the pit of my stomach and I thought,

{oh man, tomorrow is going to be a doozy at home with the boys all day - with a long overdrawn to-do list, no guests, 

no planned activities, no play dates, and no agenda but "art all day..."}

My sleep was fitful.

{in the eyes of a toddler}

But this morning I awoke with an almost-8 year old snuggled up against me, requesting "mama rubs" on his back.  His brother was reading to the stuffed animals in his crib, one room over.  

And we had nowhere to be - a first in nearly a year.

In that moment, I decided that what I wanted to "do all day" was to be fully present with my kids.

I wanted to create space for their agendas to develop freely, without competing with mine.

So far, today, I have spent a lot of time sipping coffee and watching the boys play and:

sitting on the floor with them wrestling, {pretend} sleeping, supervising a photo shoot, creating lego lands, and dreaming.

They seem to enjoy the extra attention

and have made fewer demands of me.

{maybe it is the same amount but I don't mind as much}  

All day I have been fighting the internal desire to "do" in order to stay fully present.

Despite the internal hypervigilance, I feel more relaxed and more connected with my boys.

Even though the looming to-do lists remains. 

{ever present. fully}

 

{juicing limes}

{making auntie jo's "flat salad"}

{refreshing}

And here, at the end of the day, I write this post - 

deeply satisfied with the day we've spent together and

deeply satisfied with the choice to venture "off-list."