getting cozy with the funk

I have arrived
 {again. still. always}

At the space between what is and what is to come.

I've thrown myself into clinical work and motherhood and teaching and research and wifery and writing and relationships - both near and far.

I have set my goals and met them.  My life is full and largely marked by success.

I sometimes feel intimated by my self but in the next moment, I feel underwhelmed.

I have such confidence and security and yet, here I sit - in an existential funk.

 

It is both familiar and uncomfortable; my impulse to fill the funk with distraction: with people & tasks. 

I have been giving in to the impulse for weeks but this afternoon I awoke from sleeping off an overnight shift to stare the funk in the face {of course, when my defenses are down} and it feels a bit relentless at the moment. 

Distraction is no longer helping so I am giving myself permission to make myself comfortable in the discomfort. I am intentionally opening myself up to feel aimless and questioning and selfish and challenged and unknowing. 

I want to choose to see this time as functional, rather than despairing.

Tonight I felt guilty for my funk though {for how it distances me} and apologized to my spouse.

He said, without skipping a beat:

"Daph, satisfaction for you is a process, not a destination...the funk is part of your process and it will pass."

Fingers crossed.