that moment on the couch

No one* ever talks about that moment on the couch.

That moment when you are in the midst of the biggest fight to date.

That moment when you think "oh my god, what did we do...why did we ever decide to get married?!"

That moment when you have no more fight in you.

No one ever talks about that moment on the couch.

The one where you feel so alone - even though there is someone sitting right next to you.

The one where you feel like everything you've worked for is on the verge of being gone.

The one where you and your partner have nothing left to say.

No one ever talks about that moment on the couch.

That moment when you think about leaving but where would you go?

That moment when you think about leaving but what about our kids? our family? our friends?

That moment when you know you should stay but staying feels a little bit like dying.

No one talks about that moment on the couch.

The one where it seems impossible the sun will come out tomorrow.

The one where you think "where do we go from here?"

The one where getting off the couch feels like defeat.

No one talks about that moment on the couch.

The moment when you have to make a decision.

Are you in? or  Are you out?

No one talks about that moment on the couch.

But we've all been there {in some shape or form}

We've done that.

Love is patient. Love is kind.
but Love is also that
 moment.

{*By "no one" I do mean very few...but it FEELS like no one}

essential

Time of Death. 

21:14

"I am so sorry for your loss."

The doctors remove their gloves, toss them into the trash, and walk out of the room.

Grief and the tapping of the nurse's keyboard the only sounds left behind.

The physicians go on to their next patients.

The nurses move on to their next patients.

The family is left alone with their loved one.

Uncertain about what happens next.

My way into social work was not straightforward and I was not a willing participant in the process.

{initially}

But now I find myself working in an Emergency Room.

And I love it.

People often ask me what I do.

A little of this, a little of that, I say.

{usually with more detail}

The truth is it is difficult to succinctly describe the social work role in an Emergency Room setting.

Sometimes it feels we are a valuable part of the medical team and sometimes not so much.

{it happens}

But in the moment of death 

When it's the job of the doctors & nurses & physician assistants & techs to move on to the next room,

It is my job to sit alongside a family as they come to terms with what comes next.

To sit alongside a family as the finality of death sets in.

At that moment my role is simultaneously vital and heart-wrenching; it is both ordinary and gritty.

And that is why I love my job.

rest in peace

advanced placement birds and the bees

Before we even had children, my husband and I determined we would answer our kiddos' questions openly and honestly, avoid euphemisms, and utilize accurate terminology...while maintaining developmental appropriateness.

Which is how, when our oldest was 3, he was able to tell me (after I'd been away leading a retreat) about how "a sperm and an egg get together and hang out to make an embryo and their cells divide and divide and make a tail and then the tail disappears and you get a baby.."

{exactly right, buddy}

Since then we have filled in some details...

sperm comes from a penis

eggs are housed in "fill-open" tubes

babies are born from a vagina - unless surgery is required...

and have been thankful for his restraint in asking more detailed questions.

{until last week}

gulp.

I had just returned from a trip.

We were reading together on the couch when he states how he would like a baby sister, as if it is just that easy, right?  I told him I appreciated his enthusiasm but we weren't in the market for any baby sisters at this point and besides, it isn't something you can just decide one day and make happen the next.

"i know, i know," he says.

{silence}

We continue reading for a bit and then he says, 

"Hey, how do the sperm and egg get together anyway? I mean, how does the sperm get from a penis to a vagina?"

{crap}

"Well, most often a man and a woman have sex in order to get pregnant..."  {holding my breath}

"Does sex mean the penis and vagina get together?" he asks.  {yes, i say}

"So you and Daddy had sex twice..." he surmises. {thank goodness he can't see me smirk}

"People usually have sex more than just to make babies," I say

{please don't ask why, please don't ask why, please don't ask why}

"Why?" he asks 

{of course}

{deep breath} "Mostly because they find it feels good," I suggest.

{silence}

"Does it feel good because the vagina is soft and squishy?" he asks

I inquire after his impression of the vagina and he says,

"A baby comes out of the vagina so it can't be hard and crunchy because then it would hurt the baby..."

{indeed, i say}

"Hey," he says, "did you know that there are some fish that are alive in the world right now that came from the prehistoric age...?"

And just like that, the lesson was over.

And now...

I wonder how this information translates on the playground.

I wonder after the wisdom of our candid approach.

I wonder how this impacts his perception of adults with children.

I wonder when he will ask the inevitable "next" questions.

I wonder how long he will continue to trust us to provide the information over the tales of his friends.

And I think:

Time will tell.

oh, for the love of pantyhose!

Everything I learned about being a professional, I learned from my first supervisor.

It was not an easy task - taming me into a professional.

I am fairly certain she had no idea what she was up against.

But she was stubborn and that counted for something.

There was that one time... 

when I had a rough morning with a few pairs of pantyhose (think dog puke) and I showed up to work with bare legs (I did have on a long skirt, mind you) for an "event." 

There were no pleasantries. 

There was no sympathetic listening.

Just this:

"...you need to get your little coat on...get into your little car...and go find some pantyhose before I see you again..."

It was not a good day.

But I learned...

...that you have less than 15 seconds to make an impression on someone.

...the impression you make often has a lot to do with what you wear and how you present yourself 

{beyond confidence. beyond your oration ability. beyond how well you "know your stuff."}

...it is important to wear pantyhose for "events" and "interviews."  

{Of course}

...it is important that you wear clothing that does not show nipples, or bra straps, or too much cleavage.

...it is important to wear pants that are neither too saggy nor too tight and skirts that aren't too short

{It's not really anyone's business to see what you are packing underneath, after all}

...it is important to wear a little makeup

{especially if that is what it takes to make you look "awake"}

...no one really wants to see your belly button when you are offering support or a sales pitch.

...it is fun to be a professional - when you know the rules - and are willing to play by them.

So, as I donned a pair of pantyhose in preparation for a recent interview, I couldn't help but feel appreciative of the lengths my supervisor had gone to "learn me" into a professional.  

I still don't like wearing pantyhose.  

But they, and the other lessons, serve me well. 

Every time.

today

my friend susannah sometimes writes blog posts in this format (see below)

and my mind has been whirring like this for days and days.

so here goes:

{Outside my window...}

is a pool. I have been hanging by it throughout the day and into the night.

I feel refreshed and warm and soothed.

{I am thinking...}

that as much as I like time away in solitude, I really like to have someone(s) with whom to share.

{I am thankful for...}

the opportunity to get away and read and not have any obligations to anyone or anything

except for the long to-do list I made for myself in case reading wasn't enough.

{I am wearing...}

shorts and a tank top and NO SHOES!!

{I am creating...}

letters to my boys and some future posts and some wishes and some dreams and thinking I should get started on that article...

{I am going...}

to start a "new" job when I get back home and it is freaking me out.

But in the morning, I am going to run to the pier at sunrise-ish to hang with the fishermen.

{I am hoping...}

life continues to be sweet amidst the inevitable sucky.

{I am hearing...}

chirping insects, buzzing lights, rippling water, and central air.

{A few of my favorite things...}

 the scent of the earth just after it rains, laughter (both the sound and the feel), sleep, books (real paper ones), writing, fuzzy peaches, and the gift of time with friends and family.   

magic 1-2-3

No one likes having something taken away without warning.

No one likes to be rushed or taken away from something enjoyable.

And this is especially true for kids.

Our littlest loves to play with all things "not his" right now.

{think: cell phone, brother's toothbrush, stapler, pens, toothpaste, computer mouse, iPod... }

And he likes to have his own time about it too.

Sometimes I don't mind him playing with the "not his" things but other times

{like when he changes all the settings on my phone}

I have the urge to rip the item out of his hands but if I choose that tactic...

Screaming.

Death grip.

Alligator tears.

Which, on one hand I think is par for the course at his age but then I think to my self,

"Self, what is this doing to his limbic system and what is this really communicating to him?"

So, we have instituted the 1-2-3 method and it goes a little something like this:

[Insert Name],

I am going to count to 3 and then I need you to hand me the [cell phone].

Your fingers are too clever and you keep changing the settings on my phone.

Ready?

1-2-3

Incidentally, we are going on 6 years of use with our oldest and this method has diverted numerous tantrums and power struggles in times of transition.

{think: stores, parks, to/from school, play dates, turns with toys, bath time, bedtime dawdles...}

When he was 4, he asked, "can you change the number to 5?"

Done.

{1-2-3-4-5}

Mission Accomplished.

Sometimes there are tears.

Sometimes someone runs away with a giggle and a smile.

Sometimes an abrupt removal is still employed.

but 

there has been fair warning

and 

the parent-child hierarchy is preserved

all the while allowing both parties to share control of the situation.

Win-Win.

What "tricks" do you use?