that which keeps me up at night

the year before we were engaged, my husband was a republican. 

{i was not}

we were

both raised in Christian homes, with Christian values, and met in church while attending a Christian college.

many of our friends were republican {many still are} and, at the time, i steered clear of political conversation - because i was a bit of a hot head and honestly, i didn't know enough about politics to have effective discourse {that may still be true}

however,  that year:

my little sister began identifying as gay and

my husband decided not to pursue a career in politics, as originally planned and

Bill Clinton was impeached and

my husband started working in a group home with adolescent sex offenders and

we didn't talk much about politics...or faith & politics {as those generally went hand-in-hand in our circles}.

then, that summer

 - just after my older sister's wedding, while we were tired and our defenses were down - 

we went on a road trip and got lost in Vermont.  

and we started talking. 

{about politics} 

the kind of talking where one inquires about the other's view on specific issues. 

i think that was probably not the best idea because somewhere, in the middle of a vermont highway, 

i asked him to stop the car and let me out.  

i was sitting in the car with a bigot and 

he was sitting in the car with a socialist.

we stopped on the side of the road and stewed in that reality for a while. 

{silent}

i finally told him {time will tell}

his views were too antiquated, too narrow-minded, and unsustainable

my views were too emotional, too hippie, and unsustainable

we both decided {never to speak of politics again}

which, we managed to do for so long that 2 elections later, i was kind of surprised to learn how far he'd swung from his young republican days.

it's funny, friends have remarked on my liberal, democratic ways "rubbing off" on him and you know, part of that may be true but i think the more likely culprit is this world - 

this broken, unequal, God-driven, God-forsaken, selfish, hurting world has rubbed off on him.  

{on us}

as a hot head, i have been intentional about trying to advocate for considering the good of the party spectrum while my husband often continues to see things in party terms.

however, this past week as the House was going back and forth on the farm bill, 

my peacemaker intentionality was obliterated. 

did you know, 

all but 6 House republicans voted for an amendment to the farm bill denying food stamps to those who've lost their jobs? this, in addition to deeply slashing access to food stamps for those with vehicle assets or criminal record.

for the love!  

i feel incredulous and a little sick.  

we don't have the social infrastructure to pass legislation like that and

thinking about this kept me up through the night.

i mean, really, not that long ago, our little family was sustained by food stamps.

it was a low point in our life but we were so thankful for the safety net and

this kind of legislation would have boxed us out.

i no longer feel as hopeful as I did after the election last year. 

i actually feel despair that such a large body of people, representative of a large portion of our nation, would make deliberate choices to put marginalized, disenfranchised, and vulnerable individuals/families in such a double-bind.

i understand the impulse to be judgy-pants & cynical & righteous about "the poor;"

to be labeled poor, or a criminal, or a sex offender, or mentally ill, or an addict can feel like some version of our worst nightmare.

but for a nation {for a political party, especially} that claims Christian values {in God we trust}, 

i don't see God in these legislative decisions.  

these are not decisions embodying grace and service toward "the least of these." 

to me, it is not just about this farm bill or the amendments therein;

my despair resides in the seemingly overall incongruence between belief and action.

admittedly, i am not totally sure what to do with this yet.  

{i can't even believe i am writing a blog post about it}

all this feels like social {some might say cultural} warfare and we are not our best selves in the fight.

but 

i find myself thankful that i still get emotional.

i find myself thankful that i feel compelled to think critically about the issues our nation faces. 

i am thankful for the encouragement i received at an early age from my parents to do my own faith work, not just to rely upon what {faith} leaders told me about the world around me.

i find myself thankful that my husband and i did not start in the same place as one another politically;

while our beliefs and values on the issues have certainly grown closer together, we still aren't completely aligned, and in that space between i feel challenged to remain open to views other than my own. 

and i am thankful for a "place" to put some of this fire in my belly.

thanks for reading.