goin' to the chapel...

I have started meeting with another couple for pre-marital counseling:

I ask: "What do you hope to gain from our time together?"

They think a moment and then say:

 "Well, we hope you are able to tell us the most important thing to know in order to make our marriage really last.  You know, from a professional's perspective..."

It is an inevitable question and nearly every couple asks it at some point in time during pre-marital work.  Part of me always wants to respond with top-ten sort of list, identifying the keys for a healthy marriage (because there are at least that many) but a number of years ago I realized that couples really have room in their minds and in their lives for  one item.  

During the course of our time together, couples are often planning a wedding, navigating the demands of being adult children, managing employment or graduate school, entering or managing the realm of home ownership, and whatever else their particular circumstance demands.  They do not ask for the "most important thing" because they really believe there exists only one, they ask because the reality is they often only have capacity to wrap their minds around one.

So it better count, right?

{answer: communication}

My response is neither surprising nor profound.

It will not save a couple from all conflict and grief in their relationship.

It does not happen all by itself, without attention and effort. 

But it is very rewarding when given the attention and effort.

Its benefits nearly always outweigh the costs and

Attending to the mastery of this "thing" lays the foundation for all relationships;

it is 

essential.

The communication patterns we establish early in our relationships settle deep roots - for better or for worse.  Our communication patterns have the potential to provide plentiful nourishment for growth and development or to choke the life out of our relationships, marital or otherwise.  

None of this comes as much of a surprise, right?

But the communication fact I find surprising (still), as do most of the couples I work with, is this: communication is not so much about our own talking and telling (although, being able to put feelings and desires into words IS important). Communication is actually about 

listening.

And this is the take-away I work towards with all couples (and adolescents and parents and...).  

Amidst the din of our desire to be known and heard, are we able to provide the space for another to tell their story - to be heard?  to feel understood and known?