use your words

I am not sure where I first heard the instruction to "use your words" but it has become a staple utterance over the past 20 years while I have cared for other people's kids and my own.  It always seemed like such sound instruction...

until 6 weeks and 2 days ago.

6 weeks and 2 days ago-ish, I was engaged in a mid-morning "difference of opinion" experience with our 1st grader.  After some time of going back and forth, he finally stomped up the stairs, looked me straight in the face, gave an exasperated grunt, and slammed the door.  At first I was outraged, stating his full name, followed by "you come back here and open that door right now!" But let's face it, neither one of us was ready "right now" so I made an addendum, "...when you are ready."  A few minutes later, he opened the door and stepped back into the room, avoiding eye contact and said, 

"I'm ready."

Our usual course is to debrief the what and the why of an interaction, review expectations, and discuss alternatives for behavior.  We started discussing the door slamming and the foot stomping and the nostril-flaring grunts he had thrown my way and I found myself leading up to that staple phrase, "...use your words."  But this time, he cut me off at the pass to say, "I couldn't think of any words! and plus, when I was using words before, it wasn't making me feel better!" His words transported me right back to arguments from childhood and beyond, back to that moment when words fail to sufficiently describe what I am feeling.  That moment when my body is taken over by a ball of fury, with which I am left alone to decide what to do.  I know what it feels like to have someone tell you to "use your words" when 

words are impotent balm 

for my fury.  

So we talked about the feeling(s) in his body and I validated his choice to stomp his feet and slam a door, rather than hit me or someone else.  And we brainstormed ideas for how to appropriately manage what he felt so when it happens again, he can release some fury to make room for more effective use of his words.  

And he gave me ideas for how my behavior or word choices can help or hinder his process. 

We have since encountered a variety of occasions where I have "use your words" at the ready but I have worked hard to hold the phrase silent and bring voice to a new one.  

Let's find your words.